The Burden of Grief

(Photo Credit: Amber Rust @ www. twocolorphotography.smugmug.com)

As time goes on it appears that the burden of grief is becoming increasingly heavy. I find myself becoming more and more undone with Stetson gone. I wish I was admitting to something different, that as a year has passed since his death I could say I feel peace; however, if peace is out there I know not where to find it.

I try to fill my days with distraction taking Georgi places, shopping, prepping meals, etc. This was at least a band aid for myself but I fear the adhesive is losing its strength that even Georgi is beginning to notice. She often will ask me “you happy mommy?” to which I honestly reply “I’m trying to be.” However, no longer is she asking if I’m happy but “Why are you sad mommy?”, again I reply honestly “I miss Stetson”.  She will then embrace me in a tight hug and give me a kiss on the cheek.

The last thing I ever want is for Georgi to feel like she isn’t enough for me. You truly don’t know how much you love a person until you have a child. It's such an overwhelming sense of emotion that comes without conditions or restrictions and when the person you unconditionally love is no longer there, that same emotional volume turns into despair and no longer are you drowning in love but grief.

Parents often wonder when another child comes along “do I have enough love?” or “Can I share the love I have for my first child with the next.” But when that moment happens you realize that the love you have just multiples and grows. So what happens when the love increase turns to grief? You find yourself in a battle between two very compelling forces and eventually you just become exhausted.

 I desperately want my son back and I find myself sometimes longing to be with him. All the while I know Georgi needs me and my husband needs me and I can honestly say I’m not sure I’ll see Stetson again. He’s gone and I feel completely hopeless and helpless. Even in times of great trial there always seemed space for a solution or that nothing was final. Stetson’s death is final. It’s done! Nothing can change, it's just the end. I feel tormented by this knowledge and my purpose in life feels wasted.

It’s difficult to find the words to explain how I feel. I fear my feelings and words are hurtful to my husband and to Georgi. How do you manage the loss of a child while trying to be there for others? It's truly a task that leaves me feeling sad and guilty and exhausted. People may be thinking to themselves “Oh you have so much to live for.” This is absolutely true! I have my beautiful husband and daughter that need me and family and friends. I have so much to live for and absolutely want to live. But I’m struggling to live with joy and I know that is hurtful to say.

I don’t want people to think I walk around like a dreary rain cloud all day. I certainly do not. I feel joy often. I love taking Georgi to the aquarium and making cakes and seeing Georgi laugh and light up a room. I felt joy. But I think there is a difference between moments of joy and happiness and being joyful and happy. Oftentimes I wonder if I ever really was a joyful person? People have told me I’m often negative, though I just considered myself a realist. Maybe I have been more prone to struggle with feelings of sadness. Perhaps my fear is if I become joyful and happy it means I have forgotten Stetson. He wasn’t in my life very long and memories have a way of fading as new ones are made. Already, I feel like I have forgotten what he looks like from my memory. How I saw him with my own eyes rather than through a picture. I’m certain I’d forget what Georgi looked like as a baby if it wasn’t for photos. I have a memorial dedicated to him. A small wall dedicated to pictures of him. A narrow table to hold photo books and a box of his personal items. A basket with the few clothes he had an opportunity to wear. None of them are washed and still carry some stains made by him. A quilt and that silly giraffe blanket he was wrapped in when I first saw him. A chest with his hand and foot molds that I hate because they were done after he died. They don’t look very nice unfortunately and I regret that I didn’t have the molds done when he was alive. I just didn’t want strangers to come to my house and fuss with him. But now I wish I had molds with tiny plump fingers rather than withered ones.

(Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash)

My life is forever changed and I’m not sure how to adapt. Not all change is welcomed but I would dare venture to say that most change eventually becomes comfortable. I doubt I truly will feel that way again. I know death is an absolute that we all will face one day. I just don’t understand why it happens to children and by forces that aren’t a result of someone’s negligence or choices.

I have become raging with anger at God. To the point I wonder if He’s there at all. If he’s not then Stetson’s death becomes crumbling and I fear that I let him go and I should have hung on to him longer. I should have fought for him more. Perhaps I could have prevented his death from happening so soon.

If God is real and there, then how can he possibly be loving? He could have saved my baby. Could have prevented this grief and pain. Georgi would have a little brother and we would have been together and happy. I could go to the world and profess and sing praises about the goodness and mercy of God. Instead I feel hated and abused.

I feel like God is malicious and playing some sick game. He asks us to follow him to be righteous and faithful and there will be blessings. All the while he’s the one throwing the stumbling blocks at us. But don’t worry if you keep going there are blessings at the end. Or don’t worry this is for thy good. You will learn something from this, you'll become something better. The refiner's fire is there to benefit you.

I’m sorry I don’t understand how this is a loving God. I’m not talking about trials that come as a result of choices but trials that come that are beyond our control or someone else’s.

People often tell me that there is a difference between allowing something to happen and causing something to happen. I as a parent would never intentionally cause pain to Georgi and if I could shelter her from immense pain I absolutely would step in. I don’t accept that a loving God would do this. It doesn’t make sense.

There are thousands of diseases that cause immense pain and anguish to people that I don’t believe are necessary for us to learn or gain experience. Such as genetic related cancers, Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva (FOP),  Neurofibromatoses, Krabbe, Lou Gehrigs (ALS), Arthrogryposis renal dysfunction cholestasis syndrome, etc. And there are countless more. I don’t know how any of these things are for our benefit or have a purpose. How does a loving God allow this kind of suffering to happen?

I understand there are hard lessons we all need to learn and I know that there comes a time that we have to face consequences to our own actions or to the actions of others. No matter how much I love Georgi I know I can’t prevent these types of trials but I at least can be there to soften the blow.

People also say “Well God is bound by the laws of nature” give me a break! Jesus healed the lame, the deaf, the blind, and rose people from the dead, but you want to tell me he can’t heal someone’s genetics! How can that possibly be? Moses parted the freakin’ sea. Jonah was swallowed by a great fish/whale and despite what is depicted in paintings a whale's stomach isn’t like a cave he could just camp out for a few days. The virgin Mary becomes pregnant with the Son of God knowing no man! So what “laws of nature” is God bound or not bound to? 

The more I think about the prospect that God could have saved Stetson and chose not to, the more heated and angry I become. I feel that intentional suffering was done to myself and Gerogi and Levi and all while through it I’m told “There are blessings to come.” I just feel like I’m in an abusive relationship where God is laughing at me. Like I’m in a canyon trying to avoid trenches, boulders, and uneven ground; while at the same time I’m anticipating another Rockslide to come upon me and God is the one throwing the rocks. I fear the minute I feel some relief or that I can carry this grief God will knock me down again. Yet I’m told he is loving, it’s for thy good, to come unto God, etc. For what? So I can sing his praises, always remember him? It feels malicious and evil and I just can’t bear it.

I read the story of Job in the bible and I’m troubled that God allowed horrific anguish to fall upon Job, who is described as a “perfect and upright” man. Yet God allowed/ agreed to have Satan torment him? For what purpose? What did God who is all knowing, all-powerful, almighty, have to prove? I can’t fathom allowing Georgi to go through such pain and anguish just to prove to someone who is nothing that she would continue to sing my praises even in adversity. Job said he felt “ thou huntest me as a fierce lion.” (Job 10:16). Job cried to the Lord why he allowed him to be born “I should have been as though I had not been; I should have been carried from the womb to the grave.” (Job 10:19). Job was in so much anguish he wished he had never been born.  God not only allowed this but also encouraged Satan to take his rich blessings of his home and property but also “destroy” his children. As I continue to read, Job praises the Lord and prays for his friends who don’t understand the Lord’s “ways”. Job then is blessed with double the riches he had before and blessed with more children and lived to see 4 generations of his family. Job’s blessings in the end were great but was it worth his suffering? Not to mention that having more children doesn’t replace the ones he lost even if they were unrighteous. I honestly am not sure being blessed with many other children would somehow allow me to be okay with Stetson’s death. Even if Job’s story has a happy ending I’m bothered by the idea that God allowed it to happen to prove some point to Satan. I’d never prove a point at the expense of my daughter, especially to the point that she wishes she hadn’t been born. How is this a loving God?

I just feel so much anger and hopelessness. I feel that even if I manage to pick myself up from the torment I’ll just be knocked down again and possibly even harder. I fear I have more death, disease, and physical torment coming my way and I can’t prevent it from happening or even shield myself from the blast. There are few things in life that are certain but the two that are, are trials and death. Joy, relief, and peace are not, apparently there’s potential for that to come after this life; though I am not certain there is anything after this.

(Photo by Michael Hart on Unsplash)

I hope that my honesty doesn’t shake someone’s faith or cause them to be driven from a gospel or faith they have known and loved. If anything I hope I shed light on the fact that our faith goes through seasons and changes. I believe there comes a time in everyone’s life that they question their testimony and faith.

My doubt doesn’t give a sense of freedom or release. If anything it fuels my grief and pain and I feel more depressed by the potential reality that God is either not there or is not loving. I still go to church and I still pray. I want how I’m feeling to be completely wrong because it causes my reality to become very bleak and almost worthless. Even if I’m right I hope at the very least I can allow Georgi to feel the hope that God loves her and she will see Stetson again. I love her and I will do anything to protect her from a harsh reality that doesn’t allow for a happy ending.

Sometimes Georgi shares inspiring words with me. One day she noticed that I was having a hard day and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and said “Mommy, Stetson lives in your heart.” Profound words for a three year old.

One day Gerogi was in her bedroom with her aunt and a family friend. Our family friend picked up a small frame with Stetson’s photo in it. Gerogi said taking the photo out of her hands “No that’s my Stetson.” She then said as she admired the photo in her hands “I miss him”. Her aunt and friend responded “we miss him too”. Georgi then pressed the photo against her chest and laid on the bed “It makes me sad” sitting up she again admired the photo “but I can’t give up.”

I’m not entirely sure if Georgi knew fully what she was saying nor do I fully understand what she meant by “give up”. However, I suspect that Georgi’s words were intended for me. That I need to have hope that things are better, that God is good and that I will see Stetson again. That there are good things to come, I’m not distended to have terrible things happen to me. But, right now I don’t feel that. I can hope for it but I don’t feel it. I’m furious. My prayers I’m just screaming at God (in my head) with no relief or outlet. I just feel lost and defeated. I feel like I’m burdened with grief and no one can share the load with me, how could they? I don’t see an end nor do I see a clear path on where to go. I’m blinded by anger and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was that person back at Stetson's funeral, the person who felt peace and happy that my baby wasn’t in pain. The person who believed “God is good all the time”. No longer am I this person. No longer am I this hopeful or faithful. I’m just broken.