Birth Story
Levi and I were getting ready for Stetson to arrive. This made me both excited and anxious. I was excited to finally meet the person that had been growing inside me for what felt like an eternity. I was anxious about what his life would be afterwards; would he live for a few hours? A day? Would the doctors even be able to stabilize him? Get him breathing again? It’s a horrific place to be, feeling the need to have my pregnancy come to an end knowing that at the same time, my baby’s life could end with it.
Levi was still struggling with the idea of knowing when he should leave the hospital to go pack up our apartment. I told him it was up to him, but I didn’t feel pulled in any specific direction. We said a prayer to know what to do. Levi said he felt like he should stay until Saturday. I told him that since he wasn’t leaving Friday night he could go see Georgi at Grandma’s in the morning then drive back home from there.
Later that night I started feeling some contractions about 5 minutes apart. I called in the nurse and let her know. I was once again hooked up to that familiar monitor to watch my contractions. The contractions were noticeable but not painful. I think they may have come on due to stress. After about an hour they stopped and eventfully Levi and I were able to go to sleep.
At 7:00 am nutrition came in the room and brought me breakfast, which I shared with Levi before he left to Grandma’s house. Levi still said he felt uneasy about leaving. That something was telling him he should stay. I told him to go see Georgi for a little while and then to call me before he passed the hospital on the way back home to see if anything new progressed. He agreed and left.
After a few hours the nurse came in to check vitals and ask about my pain level. I really liked all the nurses on the anti-partum floor. My nurse Kat reminded me of my sister Alexis, happy and dramatically sarcastic. She made staying in the hospital more enjoyable. Never will I underestimate the power of having a good nurse, they truly make all the difference in patients stay.
As Kat rattled off a bunch of questions I gave my same answers. No change in vision, no back pain, no tingling, etc. Headache? I answered, “yes” just as I always had. My blood pressure was elevated once again as well. She left the room to let the doctors know. After about an hour, two doctors came in my room, the on call specialist and the weekend OB.
The specialist Dr. B asked me about my headaches that I have been having and asked me to explain to him what I knew about preeclampsia. I told him that preeclampsia is dangerous because if left untreated (treatment being having a baby) it could turn into toxemia and can cause swelling of organs and can lead to seizures and death. He told me that I had a pretty good understanding of it and went on to explain more. He told me that even though my labs have come back normal a headache is concerning because even if you don’t have swelling in tissues like feet and hands you can still have swelling in the organs, kidneys, liver, and brain. He mentioned that although headaches are difficult to know the exact cause (because so many factors can contribute to a headache) with all my other high risk factors it makes them very concerned about my headaches. As he talked I could tell what he was leading up to. I felt the need to call Levi. Just as that thought came to my mind Levi called, I answered and put the phone on speaker.
Dr.B introduced himself and re-explained the dangers of preeclampsia to Levi. He then proceeded to talk to us about doing a C-section later that afternoon. He explained that I’m clearly showing signs of preeclampsia/mirror syndrome regardless of my labs being clear and it would just be a matter of time and then the situation would be emergency rather than scheduled. He further discussed that three days wouldn’t make a massive difference in Stetson’s development to make it worth the risk of waiting. At this point Levi mentioned he was going to be at the hospital in five minutes and be with me as we prepared to meet our baby. Dr.B explained he would also recommend this to his wife, sister, and or friend as well. We appreciated that he said that. Once we gave consent to allow for delivery rather than wait until Tuesday, Dr. B asked when I last ate. I told him 7:00am meaning I wouldn’t have a C-section until after 2:00pm with instructions to stop eating and drinking.
After Dr.B and his college left the room, nurse Kat came in the room to draw blood and get a urine sample to check for protein (preeclampsia). Levi and I started getting ready. We gathered our things and contacted the photographer to be on standby (in case we got permission for her to be there). The Neonatologist later came in the room to discuss with us the plan for Stetson once he arrived. She and the team fully expected him to come out not breathing and asked how we would like her to proceed. We said we wanted full code and to intubate him. We wanted them to give Stetson as much support as he could for as long as they could. I also asked her if C-section truly was the way I needed to go. She said “yes” and further explained that based on Stetson’s last ultrasound he now exceeded the size of a full term baby in the waist and that it’s likely the fluid is not malleable causing risks to myself and him. I knew deep down a vaginal delivery wouldn’t be the way to go but I was hoping I was wrong.
I always knew that a C-section could be my reality; I scheduled it now 3 times. However, now that it was hours away I felt terrified. I felt very uneasy like I was going to throw up. My mind started spinning a web of all the possible risks that could happen with a C-section. Having damage to other organs such as slicing of my bowel or bladder, getting an infection from negligence or accident, bleeding out, problems with the spinal, feeling pain not just pressure, Stetson not having much time to live and I being unable to see him because I’m unable to get in a wheelchair, etc. I knew I wanted a blessing to help me calm down but I thought I’d ask if there was someone who could participate in the blessing with Levi. I asked nurse Kat if she could find someone to help Levi.
Saundra, one of the hospital chaplains, came into the room. She was very kind and asked me to express to her what I was feeling. I told her I logically knew that my fears were unlikely to become a reality. I also told her that I have a lot of anxiety in general. That I often think of the unlikely and “worse case scenario” as a possibility. I continued and told her everything I was scared of. I of course got emotional especially after expressing I feared being apart from Stetson in what would be his final moments on this earth. The thought that I wouldn’t be able to get in the wheelchair to see him alive was scary and heart wrenching. After all the hospital visits and zealous monitoring it would be for naught if I couldn’t see him alive.
Saundra listened intently and asked me to voice what helps me when I feel anxious. I told her talking to Levi often is what helps the best. Levi is the one person I feel like I can tell anything. Levi is really good at making me feel validated and confident when I feel broken and or defeated. Saundra encouraged me to get a blessing from Levi and left us with a prayer. She said a beautiful prayer, she was scrupulous in what she asked and it brought me a lot of peace. Just being able to voice my feelings out loud to a total stranger was comforting and allowed me to feel less pressure.
As I was moved into Labor and Delivery I began to feel anxious again. We needed to get permission from the anesthesiologist team to allow the photographer in the OR. I was really worried they weren’t going to grant me permission or that they wouldn’t give permission in time for her to travel and gown for the surgery. Fortunately, we got the okay for her to be there as long as she and we understood there would be a possibility she would be asked to leave in case of an emergency happened and to not take photos of the doctors and staff.
Nurses and Doctors were buzzing all around me explaining procedures, possible risk, and asking for consent and signatures. A nurse also came in to provide my lab results, which were positive for preeclampsia. Thank goodness we decided on a C-section earlier, otherwise I would have delivered by emergency C-section that very same day. Unfortunately, I had to once again be on that awful magnesium that feels like I’m getting sunburnt from the inside out.
As I was getting prepped a nurse told Levi “you’re gonna feel like we forgot you but we haven’t”. Levi isn’t allowed in the OR as they give me a spinal. They have to get me all prepped and on the table before he and the photographer are allowed in.
Right before they wheeled me into surgery Levi gave me a blessing. He blessed me to be calm and feel comfort knowing that I was in good hands with skilled doctors. He blessed me to not have any complications and that all was going to be okay.
The nurses and doctors wheeled my bed through the gigantic swinging doors into the OR room C. I saw white walls and a large sink where several medical staff were scrubbing their hands all the way up to their elbows with amber colored soap. Then we went into room C. I could see the glass window where they would pass Stetson through directly into the NICU. There were metal tables with surgical equipment and big lights attached to what looked like big metal cranes.
The doctors asked if I could move myself from the bed to a narrow metal table. I was directed to have my legs hang off the edge of the table with my arms supporting me on a small metal pedestal. The anesthesiologist asked me to arch my back like an angry cat for the numbing shot and then to hold still for the spinal.
As I was preparing for the spinal I began to get really scared. I felt nervous because I flinched when I got the numbing shot and began to fear that I would be the reason for my spinal going wrong fearing I would flinch again. I wanted to cry. A nurse must have noticed because she asked me if I wanted a hand to hold. I told her “yes”. I’m sure I squeezed the life out of her hand, though she allowed it without protest.
The anesthesiologist told me he was going to give the spinal and it would feel warm and my legs would feel heavy. I dared not move though I didn’t feel anything in my spine but I felt a warm sensation first in my right leg than my left. In seconds my legs felt heavy and numb like when the dentist numbs your cheek but “thicker” for lack of a better word. The doctors directed me to lie on my side then roll on my back. The table was super narrow. I thought for sure I’d roll off. Apparently they were strapped down and out of the way. As soon as I lay down, a medical curtain was laid over my body and blocked my view. The anesthesiologist started talking to me about the difference between pressure and pain and he poked me on my arm with a small needle and said, “this is sharp. Tell me when you feel sharpness. You’ll feel me touching you but let me know when you feel the poke.” He started down low on my belly and worked his way up until the middle of my ribcage, when I told him I felt the poke. Then he did the other side, again a poke mid ribcage.
The resident anesthesiologist bent down and talked in my ear and asked if I felt anything I said “no”. “Good they’re poking you with some large tweezers, so that’s good.” Tweezers? What are those for? I heard a buzz of voices all over the room, not knowing who was talking or what was being said. I began to panic again and I felt like I was being forgotten in a strange way. As if I was nothing more than a frog in some science class. Then the anesthesiologist bent down next to my ear again and asked, “How do you feel?” I responded with the truth “I feel like a frog.” He chuckled a little. Then again, buzzing of voices. Forgotten again. I started feeling like I was going to throw up and I thought the surgery was either started or close to it. I started asking for Levi. No one seemed to hear me, perhaps I was too quiet. I felt like I was going to cry. Suddenly I heard someone say, “Okay go get Dad”.
Levi came in moments later and took a seat by my head. “How are you doing honey?” I said I felt like I was going to throw up again and that I was scared. He held my hand and the anesthesiologist removed my medical mask and replaced it with an oxygen mask.
I felt lots of pressure like someone was stomping on me. At one point I even heard a sucking noise and knew exactly what it was for. My blood, being sucked out my body, as I was being sliced and diced. The sounds and pressure and tugging started to get to me again. I’m not even sure if Levi was talking to me at this point but again I wanted to cry.
Then suddenly Levi said “he’s out” and seconds later the room was filled with the most beautiful sound, He was crying. Levi and I couldn’t believe it! And we both bursted into tears “he’s crying, I can’t believe it, he’s crying. Can I see him? I want to see him?” I reached up to pull the curtain down. The anesthesiologist lowered it for me and the doctors held him up so I could see. I tried to reach up and grab his hand but I couldn’t reach. He was beautiful, closed eyes and chubby cheeks. The doctors had their hands in the way so I couldn’t see his body just his scrunched up face. I saw him for just a moment before the doctors rushed him through the window into the NICU.
Levi and I were still crying, amazed that he was crying, breathing. I couldn’t wait until I could go see him. I hoped that the spinal wore off quickly but I knew it takes longer than an epidural. I felt like I was getting back feeling in my feet and I felt like I could move my toes. However, this was a false sensation. While the doctors were finishing putting me back together Levi left to see Stetson now that he was stable.
I was wheeled into the room I came from and the nurse came in with a wheelchair. I immediately tried to sit up and move out of the bed (very unsuccessfully). Nurse Ashley explained to me that I would need to get some feeling back in order to sit up in a wheelchair. She looked at me intensely and said, “whatever it takes I will get you in this chair so you can see your baby.” Levi came back in the room while we waited for me to regain feeling. I told Levi to go be with Stetson but he refused saying he wanted to go with me.
Levi showed me pictures of Stetson. He looked different than he did in the OR and I could really see his poor swollen belly. Now I could tell that his face was pretty swollen as well. I was so desperate to go see him and waiting felt like forever. Finally, I regained enough feeling to sit up and could partially move my legs, though they felt weighed down by sand bags. Levi helped the nurses move me to the chair by basically picking me up and now I was ready to see my baby for the first time.
Stetson was probably the biggest baby there. He was lying on a white blanket with yellow giraffes and looked really peaceful. I held his hand and thought he was so beautiful even with a swollen belly. And his hair! Oh my goodness his hair! Looked like gold, it is so beautiful. I thought he was just more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.
I felt so grateful that he was crying when he came into this world. I wasn’t sure how long our journey would be in the NICU or what the ultimate outcome would be. But, I had hope that things may be better than we expect. Him breathing was a miracle and I thanked God that I was able to hear that sweet sound. I prayed I’d be able to see him get better.
Stetson Wyatt Barker 2/20/2021
7 lbs 10.8 oz, 17.5 inch
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