New Year Same Pain
So far calling funeral homes and walking through cemeteries to see where we will lay our baby to rest have filled my new year. We have walked through “baby land” a few times in the cemetery, Georgi gets distracted by much of the small flowers, teddy bears, and ribbons that shower tiny headstones. Georgi doesn’t understand much being only two years old. However, we feel she understands more than most. We tell her that the small trinkets are for all the sleeping babies in the cemetery and she must not touch. She knows there is a baby in my belly and that he’s named Stetson. She kisses and hugs my belly often. We let her know that Stetson is sick and that makes Mommy and Daddy sad. Typically she responds by kissing my belly and saying “all better”. How I wish her kisses truly made him better.
It’s an odd feeling “shopping” for a plot, casket, and headstone. In a strange way its becoming normal, as it has been on my mind for so long and yet at the same time I feel guilty that I’m not crying at every turn. Then suddenly I’ll have a day where everything seems to be crashing down of me like tsunami and I cry all day long.
As this pregnancy ends I find myself stressing about the after math. How I’ll be bleeding and sore and have full breast and flabby belly with no baby to make it seem all worth it. I know that sounds awful but sometimes pregnancy is hell and learning you wont have your child with you at the end of it makes it so much more difficult.
I want people to understand I am absolutely 100% pro-life and even in my situation I do not believe termination is an option. I strongly believe that although its difficult God has a plan and a purpose for these children. I also know that going through a difficult pregnancy makes you think and feel things that you never thought you would think. Things like “I’d rather would have had a miscarriage” or “if I found out sooner I wouldn’t have to endure a full pregnancy”, Had I found out before 20wks terminating the pregnancy would have been an option provided to us. Although, Levi and I already knew that we would never terminate and God would be the one to decide how and when our baby leaves this earth. I felt that maybe termination would have been easier. All these terrible, awful thoughts have crept into my mind and I feel so guilty for even writing them down. Truthfully, all these scenarios wouldn’t change my outcome. At the end of the day I would have lost a child whether by God or by nature or by intervention. I’m foremost mourning the potential loss of my son but I’m also mourning the loss of myself. I won't only have the physical loss of a baby but I will bear the physical scars of having one that I will only be in my arms a little while.
I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m so tired and so stressed; I don’t even know how my husband is doing. And even if I did know, I can’t help him because I’m unable to help myself. We’re just watching each other drown and we have moments when were strong but, ultimately we are going through the same grief and the same loss and so often people forget that Levi is losing a baby too. Although Stetson is our child how we experience his loss will be different.
We had another ultrasound. I didn’t have questions this time I feel like there was nothing I could ask that could make any difference. The only thing we are entertaining is planning an induction date. I’m a planner and I like to prepare and I enjoy feeling like I have some grasp or control over any situation I’m thrown into. The lack of clear answers and the mountain of possibilities has made me feel very panicked. Instead of having a set plan I have to have what feels like a million plans for a million different scenarios.
We want Stetson alive; we want him to receive care, we want doctors to fight with us to save his life. While at the same time I’m two hours away from the hospital Stetson needs, I can’t just go there if he’s in distress and pray he makes the trip. I can’t have him at a hospital here and pray the ambulance or helicopter makes it to Primary Childrens in time for him to receive care. Either of those scenarios I risk the chance that I won’t be able to advocate for him because I can’t be fully present. We feel it would be advantageous to Stetson and us if we plan a date, that way we can prepare for his arrival in the best way possible. This way we can ensure Georgi is taken care of, we have a place to stay while at the hospital and whomever needs to fly out can fly out. We also will have a set birth plan and set NICU plan and a photographer ready go. Our hope is to start Steroid Shots at 34wks to ensure his lungs are developed and hopefully avoid his need for breathing support. Then we will induce at 35wks, hopefully this will allow us to bypass most preterm issues and only focus on the cause of his Hydrops.
The Ultrasound wasn’t much different this time compared to the last. He has increased fluid, again in the same locations as last. However, he does appear to have more in his arms and hands but thankfully no fluid has gone in his chest. Stetson is measuring large for being 29wks. I anticipated this because 1) I’m extremely uncomfortable, more so than I remember with Georgi. 2) He doesn’t move much but when he does its very painful. I believe he is longer than Georgi and obviously chubbier. The ultrasound confirmed he was measuring much larger than others. Typically babies at this stage are around 2lbs but he is weighing over 4lbs. I know ultrasounds can be off on weight by .5 - 1lbs but based on what I’m feeling I feel his weight is fairly accurate.
The tech and our doctors were different than the last time, which was unexpected and disappointing in some ways. However, the doctors rotate and it sounded like their rotation was different for some reason, than even they had anticipated.
The tech was extremely friendly and she did more 3-d pictures and printed them off for us instead of just sending them to our phone, which we really appreciated. We felt like she was trying hard to direct our attention to how cute Stetson is as opposed to anticipating the bad news that would soon follow.
The new doctor was friendly and reiterated all our goals that we had discussed with our previous doctor to ensure he was on the same page. We shared with him our want/need to set an induction date and before further asking about induction around 35wks he voiced essentially the same plan we had intended to ask about. This gave me some hope that Levi and I really are receiving promptings in the right direction and ways to properly advocate for Stetson.
This doctor did however make me feel more nervous about delivering by C-section as opposed to a vaginal delivery. I mentioned that I would do a C-section if it meant the difference between Stetson being alive vs. passing during delivery. However, I’m absolutely terrified of C-section! I worry about my recovery, scars, and the epidural. The epidural more than anything! I had a planned un-medicated birth with Georgi not because I think I’m this amazing strong warrior who likes things the hard way, but because I’m deathly afraid of the epidural and something going in my spine. It freaks me out and causes me a lot of fear and stress.
This doctor mentioned that a vaginal delivery might be difficult for Stetson due to him being very swollen and large. I may not have much choice in C-section regardless of how much I wish to avoid it because Stetson has been in the same position every ultrasound, footling breach, head using the placenta as the pillow. When he moves its arms and legs and rolling inwards or outwards but never moving head down or even to the other side of my body.
I of course need to talk to the Doctor that will deliver Stetson more about my fear and options. I’m also going to mention this to the neonatologist, I feel they may have better insight on what Stetson can handle based on his condition.
We have yet to hear from the neonatologist, we plan to reach out to them soon, as they have yet to contact us. We may be able to make a NICU plan for Stetson over the phone or by Zoom if we need to. It’s another step that will require lots of preparation on our part. Hopefully, the neonatologist can give us more clarity regarding Stetson’s condition and maybe provide us with more hope.
Although our appointment didn’t reveal a ton of new information I left feeling very scared for what’s to come. I feel overwhelmed, scared, and angry. With a date planned and it being the third trimester I just realized I’m on a time clock of approximately 5 weeks. Five weeks to plan a funeral, to make a birth plan that will likely be several plans for all possible scenarios, multiple NICU plans, arrangements for Georgi, and just praying that Covid restrictions don’t increase, changing delivery/hospital arrangements or funeral plans.
On top of all of this, I stress about the typically day-to-day things. Georgi not having enough play time, and way too much screen time. Dinner never being made, dishes pilling up, the mountains of laundry that needs to be sorted, the basic cleaning of the apartment that doesn’t get done. I’m becoming so overwhelmed that it’s making it difficult to get anything done. I feel like I have no power or control over anything that’s happening around me and it makes just want to sit around a cry. Which I must admit has happened a few times.
I told Levi that I have been feeling overwhelmed and angry. I’m Stetson’s mother and yet I feel like I have no control over what happens to him. I’m watching it all unfold in front of me and I can’t do anything to prevent a situation or to ensure a desired outcome. Its like bracing yourself for an avalanche and praying you make it out alive. There is nothing I can do but anxiously wait and pray we survive disaster.
Although I find myself mentally and physically failing we have had an outstanding number of people reach out and tell us they are praying on Stetson’s behalf. Total strangers have written kind messages and told me that they think about us. Knowing that people we don’t even know have prayed for Stetson has given us small moments of peace.
I understand that it’s difficult for people know what to say and do to help. I can see that people have sympathy and wish they could give empathy. I know because without going through it I would have no Idea how to offer comfort or support. Honestly, even while enduring it I don’t know what it is that I need. It’s harder to tell someone what we need as opposed to having someone just tell me what they are going to do to help. Anything helps, a meal, a kind note, anything. We have been blessed to have family, friends, and strangers’ reach out. I desperately want my situation to be different, but I am glad to recognize the service others are willing to give that I may never before would have been able to appreciate.
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